Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Amazing Facts About Bill Gates
1. Bill Gates earns US$250 every SECOND, that's about US$20 Million a DAY and US$7.8 Billion a YEAR!
2. If he drops a thousand dollars, he won't even bother to pick it up because during the 4 seconds he picks it, he would've already earned it back.
3. The US national debt is about 5.62 trillion dollars, if Bill Gates were to pay the debt by himself, he will finish it in less then 10 years.
4. He can donate US$15 to everyone on earth but still be left with US$ 5 Million for his pocket money.
5. Michael Jordan is the highest paid athlete in US. If he doesn't drink and eat, and keeps up his annual income i.e. US$30 Million, he'll have to wait for 277 years to become as rich as Bill Gates is now.
6. If Bill Gates was a country, he would be the 37th richest country on earth.
7. If you change all of Bill Gate's money to US$1 notes, you can make a road from the earth to moon, 14 times back and forth. But you have to make that road non-stop for 1,400 years, and use a total of 713 BOEING 747 planes to transport all the money.
8. Bill Gates is 55 this year. If we assume that he will live for another 35 years, he has to spend US$6.78 Million per day to finish all his money before he goes to heaven.
And the last one...
2. If he drops a thousand dollars, he won't even bother to pick it up because during the 4 seconds he picks it, he would've already earned it back.
3. The US national debt is about 5.62 trillion dollars, if Bill Gates were to pay the debt by himself, he will finish it in less then 10 years.
4. He can donate US$15 to everyone on earth but still be left with US$ 5 Million for his pocket money.
5. Michael Jordan is the highest paid athlete in US. If he doesn't drink and eat, and keeps up his annual income i.e. US$30 Million, he'll have to wait for 277 years to become as rich as Bill Gates is now.
6. If Bill Gates was a country, he would be the 37th richest country on earth.
7. If you change all of Bill Gate's money to US$1 notes, you can make a road from the earth to moon, 14 times back and forth. But you have to make that road non-stop for 1,400 years, and use a total of 713 BOEING 747 planes to transport all the money.
8. Bill Gates is 55 this year. If we assume that he will live for another 35 years, he has to spend US$6.78 Million per day to finish all his money before he goes to heaven.
And the last one...
9. If Microsoft Windows' users can claim US$1 for every time their computers hang because of Microsoft Windows, Bill Gates will be bankrupt in 3 years..
Thursday, September 24, 2009
60 SIGNS YOU’RE A TRUE SINGAPOREAN
Extracted from Talkingcock.com
==============================================
It’s not enough if you pay taxes or carry a pink IC. To commemorate National Day, TalkingCock.com brings you a checklist to see how Singaporean you really are.
1. Thanks to SMS, you have an extra large thumb.
2. Tks 2 SMS, u oso dun no how 2 spel n e mor.
3. You pat MRT and bus seats to cool them before you sit down.
4. At lunch, you start discussing what to eat for dinner.
5. Your wedding photos include shots of you dressed up like Louis XIV, Michael Jackson, or Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet in Titanic.
6. When speaking to foreigners, you somehow feel a need to adopt an accent. (If you’re a DJ, this happens even when you’re not speaking to foreigners.)
7. You won’t raise your voice to protest policies, but you’ll raise your fists to whack someone over Hello Kitty.
8. You’re forever talking about businesses you want to set up but will probably never get around to starting.
9. You don’t know ¾ of the people attending your wedding.
10. You separate food into 2 basic groups: ‘heaty’ and ‘cooling’.
11. You’re never completely sure how many times you’ve sung the second verse of the National Anthem.
12. You think that what makes you ‘married’ is not the legal registration but whether you’ve thrown a 12 course dinner.
13. You marry for the real estate breaks.
14. You have kids for the tax advantages.
15. You move to where you want your child to go to school.
16. You feel you can’t walk around naked in your own flat.
17. You force your children to take Speech & Drama classes, but pray they won’t wind up in Arts later on.
18. You suddenly realize you’re very interested in biotech - just like you suddenly realized three years ago that you were very interested in e-commerce, and before that, engineering, and before that, medicine and law.
19. You think being an entrepreneur is setting up a bubble tea/Portuguese egg tart/gao luck/porridge shop right next to an existing bubble tea/Portuguese egg tart/gao luck/porridge shop.
20. You think people are inconsiderate when they don’t leave their table immediately after eating at the food court but think you have every right to take 25 bites to finish the last red bean in your ice kachang.
21. You find it impossible to make suggestions without drawing a fishbone chart first.
22. If you’re a guy, whenever you get together with your guy friends, you invariably trade army stories.
23. If you’re a girl, whenever you get together with your girl friends, you invariably trade stories about how your stupid guy friends are forever trading army stories.
24. You think the most important sporting event in Singapore this year was David Beckham switching from Manchester United to Real Madrid.
25. You somehow feel that food tastes better when eaten by a longkang.
26. It actually makes a difference to you being called an ‘NSMan’ rather than a ‘Reservist’.
27. You’ve eaten more times at the Esplanade than you’ve actually seen shows there.
28. You need campaigns to tell you how to be courteous, to flush toilets, have sex, etc.
29. When you visit the Zoo, you wonder what the animals taste like.
30. You feel the urge to add the suffix ‘-polis’ to everything, viz. Biopolis, Airtropolis, Fusionopolis, Entrepolis, etc.
31. You always feel oddly hungry at 11 pm, and are willing to drive to far away places for supper.
32. You meet in hotels a lot.
33. Your children have a rudimentary knowledge of Tagalog or Bahasa Indonesia.
34. You work at McDonald’s when you’re old rather than young.
35. You’ll gladly spend $50,000 on a car, but will go to great lengths to save a few bucks on ERP charges or even a few cents on a parking coupon.
36. Pork floss and mayonnaise on bread is a completely natural combination to you.
37. If you’re pregnant, you have the strange ability to make people on the MRT fall asleep instantly.
38. You ask for the bill by miming a signing movement.
39. You’ve started referring to foreign employees as ‘talent’ instead of ‘expatriates’.
40. At the dinner table, you’re always discussing which other food places serve better versions of what you’re eating.
41. You copy down licence plate numbers of cars involved in accidents.
42. You think your boyfriend doesn’t really love you unless he gives you part of his liver.
43. During sales, you book hotel rooms near malls to enable you to shop more efficiently.
44. You pronounce the letter ‘R’ as ‘ah-rer’ and the letter ‘H’ as ‘haytch’.
45. No matter how old you are, you keep associating people with their secondary schools. (alternative: No matter how old you are, you secretly need to know what other people got for their PSLE, O levels and A levels.)
46. You’re always on a quest for the definitive version of your favourite local dish.
47. When you explain things to people, you keep (a) using alphabets, and (b) speaking in point form.
48. You believe that you can generate ‘creativity’ through rules and committees.
49. You ‘chope’ a seat by placing a packet of tissues on the chair.
50. You’re very forthright with your criticisms of the Gahmen, unless there’s a chance they might actually hear you.
51. You diligently track the whereabouts of your favourite hawkers, i.e..you know that the famous Tiong Bahru Bao is now in Jurong, the famous Outram Char Kuay Teow is now in Hong Lim Centre and the famous Lau Hock Kien Hokkien mee from the old Lau Pa Sat is now at Beach Road.
52. Your mother probably can’t speak your ‘mother tongue’.
53. You’d rather drink your own pee than pay someone more for water.
54. You secretly find that the best part of the Speak Good English Movement is hearing the Singlish bits in their ads.
55. You have an automatic sensor in your head which categorizes people you meet into stayer/ quitter, cosmopolitan/heartlander, normal/ express/ gifted, etc.
56. You think we’re living in a modern, sophisticated country even when our leaders still insist on wearing their school uniforms.
57. You wish your constituency is in a walkover, because otherwise it’s damn ‘leceh’.
58. During elections, you decide that there is no credible opposition even though you don’t know the name of the opposition candidate in your constituency.
59. You think having a constitution is like the condition you get when you don’t eat enough fibre.
60. You can never quite remember what “the core values” of Singaporeans are.
==============================================
Yours truly guilty of those in green....
==============================================
It’s not enough if you pay taxes or carry a pink IC. To commemorate National Day, TalkingCock.com brings you a checklist to see how Singaporean you really are.
1. Thanks to SMS, you have an extra large thumb.
2. Tks 2 SMS, u oso dun no how 2 spel n e mor.
3. You pat MRT and bus seats to cool them before you sit down.
4. At lunch, you start discussing what to eat for dinner.
5. Your wedding photos include shots of you dressed up like Louis XIV, Michael Jackson, or Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet in Titanic.
6. When speaking to foreigners, you somehow feel a need to adopt an accent. (If you’re a DJ, this happens even when you’re not speaking to foreigners.)
7. You won’t raise your voice to protest policies, but you’ll raise your fists to whack someone over Hello Kitty.
8. You’re forever talking about businesses you want to set up but will probably never get around to starting.
9. You don’t know ¾ of the people attending your wedding.
10. You separate food into 2 basic groups: ‘heaty’ and ‘cooling’.
11. You’re never completely sure how many times you’ve sung the second verse of the National Anthem.
12. You think that what makes you ‘married’ is not the legal registration but whether you’ve thrown a 12 course dinner.
13. You marry for the real estate breaks.
14. You have kids for the tax advantages.
15. You move to where you want your child to go to school.
16. You feel you can’t walk around naked in your own flat.
17. You force your children to take Speech & Drama classes, but pray they won’t wind up in Arts later on.
18. You suddenly realize you’re very interested in biotech - just like you suddenly realized three years ago that you were very interested in e-commerce, and before that, engineering, and before that, medicine and law.
19. You think being an entrepreneur is setting up a bubble tea/Portuguese egg tart/gao luck/porridge shop right next to an existing bubble tea/Portuguese egg tart/gao luck/porridge shop.
20. You think people are inconsiderate when they don’t leave their table immediately after eating at the food court but think you have every right to take 25 bites to finish the last red bean in your ice kachang.
21. You find it impossible to make suggestions without drawing a fishbone chart first.
22. If you’re a guy, whenever you get together with your guy friends, you invariably trade army stories.
23. If you’re a girl, whenever you get together with your girl friends, you invariably trade stories about how your stupid guy friends are forever trading army stories.
24. You think the most important sporting event in Singapore this year was David Beckham switching from Manchester United to Real Madrid.
25. You somehow feel that food tastes better when eaten by a longkang.
26. It actually makes a difference to you being called an ‘NSMan’ rather than a ‘Reservist’.
27. You’ve eaten more times at the Esplanade than you’ve actually seen shows there.
28. You need campaigns to tell you how to be courteous, to flush toilets, have sex, etc.
29. When you visit the Zoo, you wonder what the animals taste like.
30. You feel the urge to add the suffix ‘-polis’ to everything, viz. Biopolis, Airtropolis, Fusionopolis, Entrepolis, etc.
31. You always feel oddly hungry at 11 pm, and are willing to drive to far away places for supper.
32. You meet in hotels a lot.
33. Your children have a rudimentary knowledge of Tagalog or Bahasa Indonesia.
34. You work at McDonald’s when you’re old rather than young.
35. You’ll gladly spend $50,000 on a car, but will go to great lengths to save a few bucks on ERP charges or even a few cents on a parking coupon.
36. Pork floss and mayonnaise on bread is a completely natural combination to you.
37. If you’re pregnant, you have the strange ability to make people on the MRT fall asleep instantly.
38. You ask for the bill by miming a signing movement.
39. You’ve started referring to foreign employees as ‘talent’ instead of ‘expatriates’.
40. At the dinner table, you’re always discussing which other food places serve better versions of what you’re eating.
41. You copy down licence plate numbers of cars involved in accidents.
42. You think your boyfriend doesn’t really love you unless he gives you part of his liver.
43. During sales, you book hotel rooms near malls to enable you to shop more efficiently.
44. You pronounce the letter ‘R’ as ‘ah-rer’ and the letter ‘H’ as ‘haytch’.
45. No matter how old you are, you keep associating people with their secondary schools. (alternative: No matter how old you are, you secretly need to know what other people got for their PSLE, O levels and A levels.)
46. You’re always on a quest for the definitive version of your favourite local dish.
47. When you explain things to people, you keep (a) using alphabets, and (b) speaking in point form.
48. You believe that you can generate ‘creativity’ through rules and committees.
49. You ‘chope’ a seat by placing a packet of tissues on the chair.
50. You’re very forthright with your criticisms of the Gahmen, unless there’s a chance they might actually hear you.
51. You diligently track the whereabouts of your favourite hawkers, i.e..you know that the famous Tiong Bahru Bao is now in Jurong, the famous Outram Char Kuay Teow is now in Hong Lim Centre and the famous Lau Hock Kien Hokkien mee from the old Lau Pa Sat is now at Beach Road.
52. Your mother probably can’t speak your ‘mother tongue’.
53. You’d rather drink your own pee than pay someone more for water.
54. You secretly find that the best part of the Speak Good English Movement is hearing the Singlish bits in their ads.
55. You have an automatic sensor in your head which categorizes people you meet into stayer/ quitter, cosmopolitan/heartlander, normal/ express/ gifted, etc.
56. You think we’re living in a modern, sophisticated country even when our leaders still insist on wearing their school uniforms.
57. You wish your constituency is in a walkover, because otherwise it’s damn ‘leceh’.
58. During elections, you decide that there is no credible opposition even though you don’t know the name of the opposition candidate in your constituency.
59. You think having a constitution is like the condition you get when you don’t eat enough fibre.
60. You can never quite remember what “the core values” of Singaporeans are.
==============================================
Yours truly guilty of those in green....
Monday, July 27, 2009
Funnie Letter
Got this via an email... kinda interesting. Read on...
---------------------------------------------
Intro: The first letter was posted last year, in one of the forums, by a person who goes by the nick "ChinChaiOne" and he named his thread "Tolong Tolong". It was picked up by other forums, circulated around (even in govt depts) then someone posed as an official in the PM's office posted a reply.
OPEN LETTER COFFEE SHOP TALK
From : ChinChaiOne
28-Apr 12:15
Dear Prime Minister,
We citizens of Singapore urge you to PLEASE MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS. We DO NOT NEED your help. Every time, you mention HELP, we have to run for cover!!!
Help the poor? Raise GST!
Help traffic flow? Up ERP!
Help passenger service? Up Bus fare/MRT fare!
Help us get taxi? Raise taxi fare!
Help us get good government? Raise Minister and Civil servant salary!
Everytime YOU WANT TO HELP, we all PAY FOR IT!!!
THANK YOU THANK YOU! TOLONG LAH, please, we will HELP OURSELVES, no need your help liao. We DARE NOT ask for help any more!!!
Sir, most honoured sir, I urge you NOT TO HELP Singapore INVEST also! Everytime your wife invest, we all lose money! Kao liao, kum siah! Just let us have a dose of bad governance, like recently the Mat Selamat case, like dat¡ .so far, it is ok, your incompetence, we ACCEPT!
PLEASE DO NOT help us have better security! Wait we all kena PAY FOR IT!! I believe ALL SINGAPOREANS PREFER NOT TO HAVE CRUTCH MENTALITY! I think it is ok lah, please just take your salary and enjoy life ok?
Thank you thank you, I am very chin chai one, any how any how, no need to help oso can one.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Following is a reply from the Prime Minister's Office:
Date: Saturday, 2 August, 2008.
Dear Chin Chai One,
10Q you for your letter. On behalf of the Prime Minister, I am replying to your letter as follows:
As the erected party of Singaporeans, we are here to serve.
We are demon-cratic country, you are master, we gahmen servant, we serve you. You got problems we must help. You say no need our help? That means you're not Singapore's master. You say you run for cover? Cannot one, our police will find you.
GST is to help the Gahmen to help yourself. The Gahmen Service Tax is everywhere, you go America also have one, cannot run one.
Traffic very bad, so bad that we have to hold car racing at nite to avoid traffic jam. We believe there is no free lunch like PM's father say before, you use, you must pay, so Every Road Pay.. So you see no ERP cannot one.
Needless to say, passenger service also must pay. The increase in bus fare and MRT and taxi fare are very little already. We foresee world inflation coming: oil, steel, pay of foreign talents, etc, so we have to pay for the service.
You see, many foreign talents come to Singapore . If we don't pay our ministers well, they will go other countries to be their foreign talents. So must raise salary to keep them. If not, Nathan, Shanmugam, Bala etc will go India and work. Khaw will go Malaysia . etc etc. Must keep them. To keep them must pay well.
You are right, any help also must pay.
To help yourself? No, it's illegal. You mean you can build your own MRT? Run your own buses? Drive your Ba-Ong-Chia? Build your own roads? Seow liao!! Every one help himself then how? No social order lah! Ga ga ask for help, we are here to serve you.
We understand some of you have temporary problem. Don't worry, it is only short term. We must look long term. We must invest long term. Now lose a bit don't cow beh cow boo, long term! Yes, remember. 30 or 50 years later we will own Swiss banks, US banks, UK properties, maybe even South Pole condominiums. We must tighten our seat belt and bite our false teeth. The future very bright. As long as you continue to
support the gahmen 30 to 50 years you will see bright future. So Chiang See Tong a bit lah. Also, investing is very complicated business, not easy. We must pay school fee to learn from advanced countries.
On Selamat's case, we also must learn our lesson. We encourage life-long-learning. I learn whole life time, you learn whole life, Mr Wong Can't Sing also whole life learning. It's actually good. Mr Wong already apologise, don't force a dog to jump over the wall, the wall may collapse. Old dog cannot jump high also.
Selamat's case gives us many lessons. We must be on alert, not too complacent. Now every Singaporean know there can be a terrorist among us any time. This is the best self defence education !! PM will give Mr Wong another salary increment for that.
Also now we merge the prisons and detention centre, more space will be available now. We will build it like another IR, Integrated Retention - so those don't want our service and thinking of doing illegal service will go there. We will pass a new law too, the expenses for stay in that IR will be deducted from your CPF money.
Remember we must be grateful to people who help us -- and pay.
I hope I have explained the situation and give you the message clearly. If you still need help, please call my handphone: 9990-6767, it's toll-free.
By the way, Mr Chin Chai One, our pioneer Toh Chin Chai already toh long ago. So if you choose to be Chin Chin Chai Chai, you will also Toh.
10Q you again,
Reguards,
Ah Beng
Grassrude secretary
---------------------------------------------
Intro: The first letter was posted last year, in one of the forums, by a person who goes by the nick "ChinChaiOne" and he named his thread "Tolong Tolong". It was picked up by other forums, circulated around (even in govt depts) then someone posed as an official in the PM's office posted a reply.
OPEN LETTER COFFEE SHOP TALK
From : ChinChaiOne
28-Apr 12:15
Dear Prime Minister,
We citizens of Singapore urge you to PLEASE MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS. We DO NOT NEED your help. Every time, you mention HELP, we have to run for cover!!!
Help the poor? Raise GST!
Help traffic flow? Up ERP!
Help passenger service? Up Bus fare/MRT fare!
Help us get taxi? Raise taxi fare!
Help us get good government? Raise Minister and Civil servant salary!
Everytime YOU WANT TO HELP, we all PAY FOR IT!!!
THANK YOU THANK YOU! TOLONG LAH, please, we will HELP OURSELVES, no need your help liao. We DARE NOT ask for help any more!!!
Sir, most honoured sir, I urge you NOT TO HELP Singapore INVEST also! Everytime your wife invest, we all lose money! Kao liao, kum siah! Just let us have a dose of bad governance, like recently the Mat Selamat case, like dat¡ .so far, it is ok, your incompetence, we ACCEPT!
PLEASE DO NOT help us have better security! Wait we all kena PAY FOR IT!! I believe ALL SINGAPOREANS PREFER NOT TO HAVE CRUTCH MENTALITY! I think it is ok lah, please just take your salary and enjoy life ok?
Thank you thank you, I am very chin chai one, any how any how, no need to help oso can one.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Following is a reply from the Prime Minister's Office:
Date: Saturday, 2 August, 2008.
Dear Chin Chai One,
10Q you for your letter. On behalf of the Prime Minister, I am replying to your letter as follows:
As the erected party of Singaporeans, we are here to serve.
We are demon-cratic country, you are master, we gahmen servant, we serve you. You got problems we must help. You say no need our help? That means you're not Singapore's master. You say you run for cover? Cannot one, our police will find you.
GST is to help the Gahmen to help yourself. The Gahmen Service Tax is everywhere, you go America also have one, cannot run one.
Traffic very bad, so bad that we have to hold car racing at nite to avoid traffic jam. We believe there is no free lunch like PM's father say before, you use, you must pay, so Every Road Pay.. So you see no ERP cannot one.
Needless to say, passenger service also must pay. The increase in bus fare and MRT and taxi fare are very little already. We foresee world inflation coming: oil, steel, pay of foreign talents, etc, so we have to pay for the service.
You see, many foreign talents come to Singapore . If we don't pay our ministers well, they will go other countries to be their foreign talents. So must raise salary to keep them. If not, Nathan, Shanmugam, Bala etc will go India and work. Khaw will go Malaysia . etc etc. Must keep them. To keep them must pay well.
You are right, any help also must pay.
To help yourself? No, it's illegal. You mean you can build your own MRT? Run your own buses? Drive your Ba-Ong-Chia? Build your own roads? Seow liao!! Every one help himself then how? No social order lah! Ga ga ask for help, we are here to serve you.
We understand some of you have temporary problem. Don't worry, it is only short term. We must look long term. We must invest long term. Now lose a bit don't cow beh cow boo, long term! Yes, remember. 30 or 50 years later we will own Swiss banks, US banks, UK properties, maybe even South Pole condominiums. We must tighten our seat belt and bite our false teeth. The future very bright. As long as you continue to
support the gahmen 30 to 50 years you will see bright future. So Chiang See Tong a bit lah. Also, investing is very complicated business, not easy. We must pay school fee to learn from advanced countries.
On Selamat's case, we also must learn our lesson. We encourage life-long-learning. I learn whole life time, you learn whole life, Mr Wong Can't Sing also whole life learning. It's actually good. Mr Wong already apologise, don't force a dog to jump over the wall, the wall may collapse. Old dog cannot jump high also.
Selamat's case gives us many lessons. We must be on alert, not too complacent. Now every Singaporean know there can be a terrorist among us any time. This is the best self defence education !! PM will give Mr Wong another salary increment for that.
Also now we merge the prisons and detention centre, more space will be available now. We will build it like another IR, Integrated Retention - so those don't want our service and thinking of doing illegal service will go there. We will pass a new law too, the expenses for stay in that IR will be deducted from your CPF money.
Remember we must be grateful to people who help us -- and pay.
I hope I have explained the situation and give you the message clearly. If you still need help, please call my handphone: 9990-6767, it's toll-free.
By the way, Mr Chin Chai One, our pioneer Toh Chin Chai already toh long ago. So if you choose to be Chin Chin Chai Chai, you will also Toh.
10Q you again,
Reguards,
Ah Beng
Grassrude secretary
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Ouch!!
I've read my fair share of news reports from overseas about stewpig things ppls do or happened to them.... But I must admit the following takes a big chunk of the cake!!
*Extracted from the 3rd Sept STi*
---------------------------------------
A SECRETARY accidentally bit off the penis of her employer while giving him oral sex in a car.
Sin Chew Daily and China Press reported yesterday that while the 30-year-old woman was performing oral sex on the man, the car was hit by a reversing van.
The impact of the crash, China Press reported, caused the woman to bite off her lover's organ.
The daily reported that the incident occurred in a Singapore park where the couple met after work.
To make matters worse for the woman, her husband had sent a private investigator to spy on her after suspecting that she was being unfaithful.
The investigator said he had followed the woman and her boss to the park.
'On reaching the park, they did not alight from the car. Not long after, the car started to shake violently.
After the car was hit by the van, there was a loud scream from the woman whose mouth was covered with blood,' he said.
The woman later followed her lover to the hospital with part of the sexual organ.
The investigator, who called an ambulance to send the man to hospital, said that this was the first time he had encountered such an incident.
---------------------------------------
This is really hilarious... BJing until shiok shiok, outta the blue comes a BANG and an extreme pain :p
Get that man a TIGER!!
PS : I mean the van driver...
*Extracted from the 3rd Sept STi*
---------------------------------------
A SECRETARY accidentally bit off the penis of her employer while giving him oral sex in a car.
Sin Chew Daily and China Press reported yesterday that while the 30-year-old woman was performing oral sex on the man, the car was hit by a reversing van.
The impact of the crash, China Press reported, caused the woman to bite off her lover's organ.
The daily reported that the incident occurred in a Singapore park where the couple met after work.
To make matters worse for the woman, her husband had sent a private investigator to spy on her after suspecting that she was being unfaithful.
The investigator said he had followed the woman and her boss to the park.
'On reaching the park, they did not alight from the car. Not long after, the car started to shake violently.
After the car was hit by the van, there was a loud scream from the woman whose mouth was covered with blood,' he said.
The woman later followed her lover to the hospital with part of the sexual organ.
The investigator, who called an ambulance to send the man to hospital, said that this was the first time he had encountered such an incident.
---------------------------------------
This is really hilarious... BJing until shiok shiok, outta the blue comes a BANG and an extreme pain :p
Get that man a TIGER!!
PS : I mean the van driver...
Monday, April 27, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Caution...they walk among us!
'Millionaire' Contestant Makes Worst Use Of Lifelines Ever....
NEW YORK - Idaho resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family Tuesday when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.' It seems that Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question, and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing 'the absolute worst use of lifelines ever.'
After being introduced to the show's host Meredith Vieira, Evans assured her that she was ready to play, whereupon she was posed with an extremely easy $100 question. The question was: 'Which of the following is the largest?'
A) A Peanut
B) An Elephant
C) The Moon
D) Hey, who you calling large?
Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she realized that this was a question to which she did not readily know the answer. 'Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie,' said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief and disgust. 'I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be.'
Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50. Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure.
'Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!' exclaimed Evans. 'Darn. I think I better phone a friend.' Using the second of her two lifelines on the first question, Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant.
'Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!' said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call. 'Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest? B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun.'
Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon. Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds. 'Come on Betsy, are you sure?' said Evans. 'How sure are you? Duh, that can't be it.'To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's advice and pick 'The Moon.'
'I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright. So I think I'd like to ask the audience,' said Evans. Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of answer C, 'The Moon.' Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life.
'Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking,' said the too-stupid-to- live Evans. 'But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut. So, let's see. For which is larger, an elephant or the moon, I'm going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer.'
Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath, and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon.'
Caution...they walk among us!
Monday, February 16, 2009
Staff Memo
To: All Staff,
As you know, the realities of the downturn have hit home and I am forced to introduce the following cost-cutting measures to help shore up our beloved company. I know you will understand that the pain is temporary and the gains will be there for all of us to reap when the company comes through these difficult times stronger... and ready to ride the next big wave. So with immediate effect, all staff will be required to adhere to the following:
a. The cups on the two vending machines are to be recycled. Annabelle has already serialised them.
b. Sabbatical leave: Executives booked for New York will now go to Kukup in Johor Bahru instead. Senior executives can go further - up to Yong Peng.
c. Our chalet lease in Pulau Ubin has ended. However, as the management takes a keen interest in staff welfare, we have arranged with Francis (from Admin Dept) to rent out one of his rooms at Blk 923, Pasir Ris Drive. His flat was chosen for its proximity to the sea and you can still see Ubin from the window.
d. Entertainment claims: Staff will be required to go for a 30-min demonstration by Raj from Finance Dept, who will show you how to withdraw your credit card slowly from your wallet (58 secs), so that others at a business lunch will inadvertently beat you to it when the bill comes.
e. The Valentine's Day white chocolates (Deluxeur) which I gave out in January : Those of you who have yet to open the box, please return them (expiry date: Dec 2009).
f. Monthly Best Employee Award : The $1000 cash award will now be replaced by a box of Deluxeur white chocolates.
g. Annual Best Employee Award : The 14-day Disneyland/Hawaii tour and solid gold Rolex Oyster watch will be replaced by TWO boxes of Deluxeur white chocolates.
h. Medical: The Oxfordshire-Hopkins Medical Group will no more be on our panel. Annabelle will give you the address of Hong Tong Hong Medical Hall in Sungei Road. Bring you company pass for a 10% discount.
i. Country Club Memberships : Senior executives must return their membership cards to Annabelle, who will then register your name with Bishan Community Centre.
j. Transport Allowance : No reduction of rate! However, it will be paid on alternate months.
k. Gifts for clients : New choices. The Bohemian Crystal list will be replaced by the one from 7-eleven.
l. Annual Dinner & Dance : No change (March 20, yay!), but the venue is switched from The Ritz-Carlton to the void deck of Annabelle's flat in Ang Mo Kio Avenue 10.
m. Bonus : This time, staff welfare comes first! Instead of the usual amount, we raised it up to $2 million. Each employee will be given a Singapore Sweep ticket. The draw is on March 5.
From: Chief Financial Officer
As you know, the realities of the downturn have hit home and I am forced to introduce the following cost-cutting measures to help shore up our beloved company. I know you will understand that the pain is temporary and the gains will be there for all of us to reap when the company comes through these difficult times stronger... and ready to ride the next big wave. So with immediate effect, all staff will be required to adhere to the following:
a. The cups on the two vending machines are to be recycled. Annabelle has already serialised them.
b. Sabbatical leave: Executives booked for New York will now go to Kukup in Johor Bahru instead. Senior executives can go further - up to Yong Peng.
c. Our chalet lease in Pulau Ubin has ended. However, as the management takes a keen interest in staff welfare, we have arranged with Francis (from Admin Dept) to rent out one of his rooms at Blk 923, Pasir Ris Drive. His flat was chosen for its proximity to the sea and you can still see Ubin from the window.
d. Entertainment claims: Staff will be required to go for a 30-min demonstration by Raj from Finance Dept, who will show you how to withdraw your credit card slowly from your wallet (58 secs), so that others at a business lunch will inadvertently beat you to it when the bill comes.
e. The Valentine's Day white chocolates (Deluxeur) which I gave out in January : Those of you who have yet to open the box, please return them (expiry date: Dec 2009).
f. Monthly Best Employee Award : The $1000 cash award will now be replaced by a box of Deluxeur white chocolates.
g. Annual Best Employee Award : The 14-day Disneyland/Hawaii tour and solid gold Rolex Oyster watch will be replaced by TWO boxes of Deluxeur white chocolates.
h. Medical: The Oxfordshire-Hopkins Medical Group will no more be on our panel. Annabelle will give you the address of Hong Tong Hong Medical Hall in Sungei Road. Bring you company pass for a 10% discount.
i. Country Club Memberships : Senior executives must return their membership cards to Annabelle, who will then register your name with Bishan Community Centre.
j. Transport Allowance : No reduction of rate! However, it will be paid on alternate months.
k. Gifts for clients : New choices. The Bohemian Crystal list will be replaced by the one from 7-eleven.
l. Annual Dinner & Dance : No change (March 20, yay!), but the venue is switched from The Ritz-Carlton to the void deck of Annabelle's flat in Ang Mo Kio Avenue 10.
m. Bonus : This time, staff welfare comes first! Instead of the usual amount, we raised it up to $2 million. Each employee will be given a Singapore Sweep ticket. The draw is on March 5.
From: Chief Financial Officer
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Friday, August 29, 2008
Nine words women use...
1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!
9.) Don't worry about it, I'll do it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3..Then you RUN!
2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!
9.) Don't worry about it, I'll do it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3..Then you RUN!
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Jokes - Local Call...
How much would it cost to (telephone) call Singapore from Hell? You'd be surprised!
All human being will need to go to 'Hell' country one day, nobody can stop this natural facts. If suppose Queen Elizabeth, Gearge Bush and Lee Kuan Yew die and go to hell. But the devil allows only one phone call each. The Queen says, I miss my England , can I use your phone and hear how my people are doing up there.
She calls and talks about five minutes. Then she asks: Well devil, how much do I owe you for the call? The devil says: Five million pounds. She writes him a cheque and goes back to her burning chair .
Bush wants to make a call too. He says I wanna call the US . He talks about ten minutes, then asks how much do I owe you devil? The devil says Ten million dollars He also writes a cheque and goes back to his hot hot seat.
Lee Kuan Yew is also anxious. He says I want to call Singapore . He calls and talks for about an hour to his son Lee Hsien Loong about the high cost of living up there and the constant cursings by the people... Then he asks the devil how much do I owe you?
The devil replies: only one dollar. Lee Kuan Yew is shocked and asks 'why so little?'.
The devils says: if you make a call from one hell to another, IT'S LOCAL CALL.
All human being will need to go to 'Hell' country one day, nobody can stop this natural facts. If suppose Queen Elizabeth, Gearge Bush and Lee Kuan Yew die and go to hell. But the devil allows only one phone call each. The Queen says, I miss my England , can I use your phone and hear how my people are doing up there.
She calls and talks about five minutes. Then she asks: Well devil, how much do I owe you for the call? The devil says: Five million pounds. She writes him a cheque and goes back to her burning chair .
Bush wants to make a call too. He says I wanna call the US . He talks about ten minutes, then asks how much do I owe you devil? The devil says Ten million dollars He also writes a cheque and goes back to his hot hot seat.
Lee Kuan Yew is also anxious. He says I want to call Singapore . He calls and talks for about an hour to his son Lee Hsien Loong about the high cost of living up there and the constant cursings by the people... Then he asks the devil how much do I owe you?
The devil replies: only one dollar. Lee Kuan Yew is shocked and asks 'why so little?'.
The devils says: if you make a call from one hell to another, IT'S LOCAL CALL.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
YouTube Spoofs.....
An 'irritating' friend of mine recently forwarded me this YouTube video of some spoof taken off a Hitler documentary. They edited the original storyboard with their own and came up with the following :
If you visit the actual location of the video @ YouTube, you will be able to find numerous other spoofs using the very same video BUT with different storyboards. Some are pretty lame but damn funny!
If you visit the actual location of the video @ YouTube, you will be able to find numerous other spoofs using the very same video BUT with different storyboards. Some are pretty lame but damn funny!
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